The Hornballs of Facebook

I have come across many hornballs on Facebook. Some of these people I have not talked to in years…or we’ve never met! They see a hot picture of me and then start secret messaging me about wanting to hang out. I am not that stupid to realize that this is a request to hook up.

Take this guy for instance: Hornball. He added me through one of my friends. My friend has never met Hornball by the way. Here is his message (edited to perfection because he can’t spell—turn off!):

What's up (my name)? Nice to meet you. I'm Hornball. I found you on your friend’s pics. I'm glad you like my body because I love your legs ;). I just wish I would have found you back then so by now I would have already seen that cute smile and gorgeous legs in person ;-)

At first I was excited. He is my age and we both love to work out. Numerous messages later, he asked for my number. Weeks went by of him pestering me to hang out, but I was very busy. Just when I finally had some free time to hang out, I looked at his page and it was full of girls with big butts and boobs. He even left comments about their sexy legs, which is what he commented on my picture. Here is our conversation via text:

Hornball: Heyy sexy (my name). What’s up?
(Two hours later.)

Realist: Just got back from running. You?

Hornball: Nothing much. Just finishing up a leg workout. How have you been?
Realist: Busy!
Hornball: Aw when do you get some free time so we can finally chill?
Realist: Friday.
Hornball: Nice J I’ll hit you up.
Realist: You can hit me up, but you can’t hook up FYI.
Hornball: What do you mean?
Realist: Meaning no hooking up. I am just putting it out there because I am too old for silly business.
Hornball: Why so closed-minded? I wasn’t planning on hooking up when we chill but I like to play things by ear. MEANING THAT ANYTHING GOES. Life’s too short to not enjoy it and have fun.
Realist: I am just being straight up because guys are hornballs.
Hornball: If I were a hornball, then I would try to get in your pants the first or second time we chill. WHAT ABOUT THE THIRD? I’m not trying to get ass from you, but you should let things happen by themselves instead of putting up a wall when we haven’t even met. WELL I NAMED YOU A HORNBALL, SO YOU ARE A HORNBALL!
Realist: If I were to let things happen like that, I’d have a kid by now.
Hornball: Nah if anything happens we’ll wear protection, but I don’t like planning things or saying no to things before even meeting the person. I’m not trying to hit it and quit it or use you by any means, but I’m attracted to you and I love your legs.
Realist: Oh my goodness well I’m planning that we don’t hookup. That’s the only plan that I have. You can look at my legs, but no touchie.
Hornball: Lol stop you’re such a tease. No touchie on the first date, but maybe eventually. J
Realist: Noo I don’t want a relationship or FWB either!
Hornball: You’re killing me. L I AM HOPING THAT HE IS MAD NOW.
Realist: So do you still want to hang and not bang? 
Hornball: Yeah because eventually you’ll change your mind. J DANG IT!
Realist: Nooo I won’t. Trust me!
Hornball: Don’t say that lol you will. :p Those legs are too sexy to not be wrapped around me.
Realist: You know that you are making me more likely to run away from you with your hornball ways.
Hornball: Lol OK OK. I was just messing with you. Let’s just be friends first and then see what happens.
Realist: Let’s just be friends. J
Hornball: We’ll seeeee haha ;) So where do you want to go Friday?
Realist: Starbucks. (It’s the ultimate date place).
Hornball: OK Starbucks and movies?
Realist: That’s such a date.
Hornball: No lol friends go to movies together.
Realist: OK friend.
Hornball: OK girl friend, lol jk.
Realist: If you made girl friend one word, then you would be in trouble!
Hornball: In trouble, how?
Realist: I would defriend you.
Hornball: Damn you don’t play lol.
Realist: Nope! I don’t play games.
Hornball: Looking forward to seeing you.
Realist: Same here. I think haha.

Does this sound familiar? Clearly, he wants to hook up. Is Facebook the new speed dating? You can learn everything about the person in five minutes just by reading their page.

Our date was canceled because I had work. He wants to hang out Sunday, but I have no interest in him and I do not want to waste my time—even for the good of the blog (which is very rare). I am going to tell him that I am turned off by the fact that he adds so many girls and comments on their pictures with the same crap that he says to me. I am just one of the 826 girls that he has added. I bet he is also hooking up with them. I am taking myself out of the pool and throwing in the towel.

Keepin’ it real,

     Realist