Booty Call from Da Hood

     Da Hood missed us already. And 24 hours did not even pass.

     We put on our swagger and entered a lounge that is perfect for me. It is my model home. Red floors that light up, red couches, and red and black bathroom tiles! I was seeing red!

     We sat on a couch next to the aquarium and just observed the crowd. One by one the hood rats crept in. A really old creepy one sat next to me.

     While the Disbeliever and I were talking on the couch, I was interrupted with a hand on my shoulder. I screamed and fell back on the couch. I was dramatic for a purpose. When I regained control, the old man apologized for scaring me.

     “My friend wants to buy you a drink,” the eld said.

     “No. That’s OK,” I said.

     “Come on. I’m trying to help him out. He likes you.” This friend of his looked like he was about to die!

     “No! I don’t need one!”

     Frustrated, he said, “It’s just one drink. One f#%@$ing drink!”

     “No thanks.”

     Ugh! Whyyyyyyyy do I always get these old men? Why me? Do I have a sign on my back that says “Old men, come talk to me!”? FMLL!

     Then I see him talking to some other young girl, probably begging her as well. I looked at her and rolled my eyes.     

     Moments later, a European-looking eld sits where the OMC were sitting. The Disbeliever bet that he was going to talk to me now. I made a point not to look his way. I hid behind the aquarium.

     Then some creepy hands make their way to my legs like a spider.

     I shrieked and moved as far away as I could. He tried it again! I was really scared. I wonder if there is a phobia of old men. If there is not, then there should be because that’s my fear! OMC Phobia!

     We got off the couch and hit the floor. This place has our kind of men. There was a fly guy who walked in with sunglasses on who reminded me of Usher. I told the Disbeliever that we have to dance with him. Sure enough, we did. What a dance it was!

     Usher was sweating and grinding with us. I hate grinding! I don't want to feel their bulge on my butt. He hoisted me up and I thought my head was going to hit the ceiling! Usher loved dancing with us so much that whenever he said he was going to leave, he would come back to dance!

     As we left the hood, he was outside waiting for us! Usher ushered us to our cars. We got lost along the way because we forgot how to get back to our cars. He was between us and called it a “white Oreo with chocolate cream.” Usher was very funny, making jokes that we are safe because we are being protected by a black man: “No one is going to mess with my ladies because I am black!”

     First, he said the Disbeliever is “trouble.” Then he said that I am the freaky one. These Bs are right on!

     He wanted to come home with us, of course. I do not know how he was getting home or where he was going. Apparently he lives in Brooklyn and has three houses in Jersey. He buckled us in our seat belts and gave us a kiss on the cheek. Usher has the Disbeliever’s phone number in case of a booty call.

     In fact, I think Da Hood is calling us….

Keepin’ it real,

  Realist