My Best Friend's Wedding

This weekend I had the happy occasion to attend my best friend's wedding.  Tricky thing is, said friend also happens to be my ex-boyfriend.

Before you are too quick to raise your eyebrows, let me explain that everything is perfectly fine between us, and despite everyone's belief that it is not possible, we have managed to keep up a close friendship with no awkwardness at all--lots of time has gone by, and I no longer hold onto those kinds of romantic feelings, and being that he just got married and is completely in love, I'm fairly certain he doesn't, either.

All that said, though, this kind of wedding is bound to have some awkwardness anyway, just because there was a history.  I got the feeling that people all around the wedding were watching me to see how I was reacting--perhaps either waiting for an impending meltdown, or to be ready to prevent an emotional crisis from ruining the wedding.  There was no such meltdown or crisis.  I actually spent most of the weekend having a great time.  I found all sorts of touristy things to do (by myself, of course), and made a mini-vacation of it for myself.

The awkwardness began slightly for me when I met up with the family for the rehearsal dinner.  I always loved his family, although I wasn't quite sure how happy they were that I was invited to all the festivities, being that I'm an ex (not that I blame them--it's nothing personal against me; just on principle).  But they were all welcoming to me, which helped put my mind at ease (maybe even overly so--I suspect the groom might have said something to them about it).

The wedding was nothing short of gorgeous.  But because I had been so excited for my friends' happy day for all the months leading up to it, I honestly did not expect to have such a range of unidentifiable emotions on the actual day.  Most of the day I was completely fine, and still very excited to celebrate.  But as the ceremony and the reception wore on, I found myself in the unfamiliar territory of not being sure what I was feeling (which is unusual since I am always very in tune with my own emotions).  The family continued to be somewhat overly welcoming of me and seemingly on the task of making sure I had a good time (okay guys, you were most certainly given instructions).  A couple of other people who were somewhat aware of the history asked me how I was doing, and I said I was fine.  And I was.

Later in the night, though, when the yawns were starting to set in and I was feeling uninspired by the music the DJ was playing, I took myself on a little night stroll around the vineyard to enjoy the glorious star-filled sky.  I wondered at the interesting shadows I saw between the night sky, the candlelight, and the vines, and took some time to reflect.  Alone in the dark, I became overwhelmed with a very confused feeling.  It could be just the wedding itself--I find myself sad at pretty much every wedding I go to anymore.  I think it's being surrounded by happy couples and feeling cripplingly afraid of ending up alone (and the wedding habits of exploiting the singles like setting up the single people to dance with other single people, or to catch the bouquet, only cast a spotlight on my romantic misfortune).  It could also be because I was losing my best friend.  Not only was he married now and probably staying as close as we have been in the past would not be appropriate anymore, but they were also moving across the country.  I was also genuinely happy for them--I have known him for so very long, and have gotten to know her over the last couple of years, and I was so happy this day had come and we could celebrate together.  I felt a little left behind and rejected, and even though there truly is nothing romantic between us anymore, those feelings of being left behind are still valid.  Could I even call him a best friend anymore?  Your wife is supposed to be your best friend, right?  I guess I'm out, then.  There was also confusion--a lot of these feelings were causing conflict in my head and I didn't know what to do with them or how to process all of it.

It was at that moment that I pulled myself together and decided that it was time for me to bow out of the picture and head back to my hotel for bed.  I am still genuinely happy for both of them, and I am so glad that my good friend has found the happiness he deserves.  But as strong a person as I am, and as well as we've managed to transition into a sincere friendship, going to an ex's wedding is still a tough pill to swallow.

Trying to stay positive,

Skeptic