Date? #3

The Journalist continues to be as puzzling as ever.

Yesterday we went out for the third time (outside of work). This time he came out to my town, I walked him around a little to show him around, and we settled into an Irish pub to watch a basketball game. We ordered tea (I got hot tea because I was feeling a little under the weather, but he followed suit. I actually suspect that he doesn't drink.) and appetizers and talked for the duration of the game and then some.

Then we talked about what to do next. We had been chatting about movies, so we looked into a nearby movie theater. They weren't showing anything that we were interested in or hadn't already seen. We ended up deciding to go to my apartment to play board games.

I was a little reluctant to go back to my apartment, because that's generally a new level of intimacy, and I still wasn't sure what was going on with this guy--were we dating, or just friends? Still, I was comfortable with him and trusted that I'd be able to call the shots if anything physical went on. I wasn't even sure it would come to that, and if we were just friends, I have friends over all the time. So I was fine with it.

We played Trivial Pursuit. That's really all. He beat me big time, but I'm not sure my mental devices were all there--I was feeling sick and my brain was fuzzy. I couldn't even remember the name of my apartment building earlier on in the evening. By the time he left around 1am, my cold/sinus thing that had been growing all day was really rearing, and I'm sure I looked a fright with a red nose and blood-shot eyes. Maybe I should have called it a night earlier, but I was having a good time. Anyway, he never made the slightest move. Not at all. Now that I think of it, I probably can't blame him.

A friend of mine the other day told me to stop freaking out about what to "call" whatever this relationship is, and just enjoy it and let it do its natural thing. Maybe it's a type "A" thing to want to know how to define it. My friend is right--regardless of what it is, it's nice and I enjoy spending time with him. But I can't help thinking about where it will go because I'm not completely sure how to act around him. It's difficult for me to see him in a romantic light, so I'm really not sure if I have romantic feelings for him. 

Trying to stay positive,
Skeptic

Here's my number. For scientific purposes, of course.

There's something that I've been pondering for a while, I've just been unsure how to organize my thoughts for the blog. I think I'm ready now.

It's true that I find it offensive when other people postulate on my behalf why I might still be single. There's just nothing like someone else pointing out your faults unsolicited to make you want to poke some eyes out. However, that doesn't mean I don't wonder about it myself. People of all kinds find love all the time. What should I do differently?

Now, obviously, since so many people on Earth find love (it's not like it really takes a special skill), it's pretty difficult to make a determination of the one trait or action that ensures success. It doesn't take a special kind of person, or doing a particular thing. It works differently for everyone. Still, the social scientist in me looks for something I can learn. Is there anything they have in common? Or, something that "successful" daters have in common that maybe I'm lacking? ("Successful" is somewhat a relative term, but humor me here). 

I may have a theory. I do have a couple of friends who are very different than I am, in that they basically are able to date whomever they want. They often are dating more than one guy at a time. And if I'm being perfectly honest, they're not what you would think of as traditionally "desireble" girls. Then it hit me. There is a major, glaring thing they have that I don't:

Confidence.

They can have any guy they want because they GO FOR IT. They believe in themselves, that they are worth it, that they are wonderful, and that any guy would be lucky to have them. And guys can tell. And it's hot.

Confidence is one thing I've never really had in spades like some others do. I think I have a lot to offer a guy, but bashfulness often holds me back in a lot of social situations, particularly involving guys. Especially involving guys I might be interested in.

So, after tiring a bit from people telling me how great I am and that they just don't get why I have trouble dating (flattering as that is, it isn't helpful), the social scientist in me decided to try an experiment. I'm going to fake it. The saying is, "fake it 'til you make it." So, if I pretend that I'm a much more confident person, maybe eventually my psyche will catch up and will actually be, in fact, more confident. I will pretend that I really am that girl--that I can get any guy I want. So I will talk to the cutest guy in the room, and smile at him and *gasp* maybe even flirt. You may scoff at this and say, "well, of course that's what you should do!" But I can't stress enough how far this takes me out of my comfort zone. These will be guys who I think can have any girl they want, and my mind tells me, what business would they have talking to me? It takes a lot of gumption to get myself to do it. But for the sake of science and seeing if this changes my luck at all, I will take one for the team.

Exhibit A was today. There is a new guy in my office who last week, stopped by my desk several times to ask me questions--where is the bathroom, how does the transit card work, etc. My cubicle mates interpreted this as interest on his part, and a pretty respectable move. But today he walked past my desk a handful of times and never said anything. This puzzled me. Ah, but one of my dating advisers suggested that he initially put a feeler out, and now he's pulling back to see how I react. He was testing the waters. So I took the next move. I went over to his desk to talk to him. Again, don't scoff--this took a lot of guts. While talking to him (re: gazing at his lovely sincere hazel eyes and perfectly masculine face and his put-together stylish clothes hanging on his very attractive physique and *sigh* am I flushed? am I melting at the knees?) *ahem* I mean, I was listening intently to what he was saying and smiling and dear g.o.d. I hope I was answering intelligently..... where was I going with this? Anyway, it was a nice, polite conversation. Not sure it will go anywhere since my group will be moving offices soon, so I may not see him again. But I felt proud of myself for talking to him. I'm not sure if there really exists an objective measure as "guy who can get any girl he wants" because it's largely relative and a matter of taste (he might not be all girls' type!), but he certainly was in my book, so I am practicing my balls-out confident approach. Stay tuned on how that experiment goes--I'm sure I'll be writing more.

All in the name of science, of course.

Trying to stay positive,
Skeptic

I'm a scary monster. Rar.

Got the following message today online:

You're gorgeous but also very intimidating I was somewhat nervous to message you but said what do I have to lose lol. The fact your on this site gives me very little hope for myself lol. I'm Ben by the way if you're at all attracted to me I'd love to talk sometime!

I've been wondering a little about this lately, because I hear this from people all the time (who, unsolicited, try to decide why I'm still single. That's annoying and insulting, by the way--don't do that). They decide that men must be intimidated by me. My initial reaction has always been that this is bullshit--I'm no supermodel. I'm very nice and approachable. People like me date all the time--why would men be intimidated to talk to me in particular?

The Realist recently did some unscientific research (a'la Facebook) and determined that when men are intimidated by women, it's because they themselves are insecure. Secure men are not intimidated. That makes perfect sense to me, but where are all the secure men? Are the really all married off already or otherwise off the market? Is this how great women get squeezed into being spinsters forever? *shutters*

I still refuse to believe that I've fallen through the cracks. Need to try some new things. Maybe I'll just start winking at guys on the train or on the street. Gotta be careful about that, though--there are a lot of creeps in the city. *sigh*

Trying to stay positive,
Skeptic

Red-eyed monster: Friend or Foe?

I know virtually no one reads this blog anymore, but I have a question for the world, anyway.

There's a phenomenon that most folks are aware of and nearly everyone goes through. It's the thing that happens when you're feeling a little bit down--you start to long for happier times. This inevitably leads your mind to think about an ex. You start to miss him/her, wonder what he/she is up to, and think you really screwed things up before, so you want to give it another chance. I'll call this the red-eyed monster--you feel down and vulnerable, so your mind tricks you into thinking you want to be with someone. It's usually where booty calls come from, or even leading people to try to get back together.

So here is my question. When a certain ex keeps invading your thoughts, how can you tell if you truly do miss him and want to be with him, or if it's just the red-eyed monster trying to trick you? I know of lots of people who try to get back together with exes. Sometimes it fails miserably, and sometimes it actually works out--maybe the timing wasn't right the first time, they managed to work out their issues, etc. When people seek an old flame, why is it sometimes romantic and sometimes pathetically desperate?

Just wondering.

Trying to stay positive,
Skeptic

When friends at work play office pimp

Mr. Suave first came by my desk at work today asking me where the bathroom is. I assumed he was a visitor in the building, and gave him directions to the men's room without giving it too much thought. Well, too much thought other than how cute he was, and impeccably presented. Very well dressed, perfectly shaved and groomed, and good-looking in an almost too-perfect kind of way. That's why I'm calling him Mr. Suave. I normally don't go for the too-perfect guys; I actually like a little ruggedness and natural swagger to a guy. Still, a prospect is a prospect...

He came back later in the afternoon to chat again. He had several more questions, and I wish I could remember how he started the conversation, but it came out that he's new on the floor--just started working there two weeks ago. He asked a few questions about our benefits, we talked about neighborhood restaurants and commuting, etc. My colleague Jane, who sits next to me (and works in sales--she is incredibly friendly and chatty), helped out with the conversation by keeping it going, throwing out some fun facts about me, asking him questions to dig up information about him, telling him how nice I was and he should come back anytime to chat with me and I can help him out, etc. After he went away, both Jane and another guy who sits nearby (we're all good friends and look out for each other's dating lives), stood up to de-brief the conversation. 

"Jane, you are a great wingwoman!" I said. 
Jane replied,"Of course! That guy was cute!"
Our guy colleague said, "<Skeptic>! I saw what was going on there. That guy has game! I think he likes you!"

The unfortunate thing is, my team will be moving offices to a different part of town very soon. That means that I have two weeks to build a friendship with this guy and exchange numbers before we move. Let the games begin!

Trying to stay positive,
Skeptic

Mr. Notthattheresanythingwrongwiththat

On Saturday I had a coffee date with a guy from online, we'll call him Mr. Not-that-there's-anything-wrong-with-that. For the most part it was like any other disappointing date--conversation was pretty dry and dull and there was no connection at all. 

But here's what made it a little different than other dates I've been on. This gentleman arrived to our date with the assistance of a wheelchair. And I had absolutely no knowledge of this ahead of time.

Now, let me be absolutely clear. Being in a wheelchair does make things a little more complicated, but it's not necessarily a dealbreaker for me. And I can see how he would be reluctant to share that up front, as maybe he wouldn't want to be judged for it. And really, dude can put whatever he wants in his profile--he doesn't have to share his whole life. All that being said, I found myself still a little annoyed that he sprung that on me like that. Why misrepresent yourself? His profile pictures did not include this, so perhaps they were all a little old (taken before his accident or whatever happened--he didn't actually tell me).

So here's my question. How much information do you need to know before you meet someone? I never really did have a list of prerequisite information, but I would have assumed that I would know the important things, like is this guy single (I won't date married men), does he have kids, does he live in the area, etc. If someone didn't tell you until the third date that he had children, would you be upset? What if he had recently gained (or lost!) fifty pounds--wouldn't you want his picture to show what he actually looks like now? We all don't want folks to judge us for who we are, but why not be up front about who we are? I'm a big fan of openness and honesty, and if people judge me for who I am, that's their issue, not mine.

What are your thoughts?

Trying to stay positive,
Skeptic