Several weeks ago I met up with The Journalist for coffee. We had a nice chat, mostly pretty light, talking about running, TV shows, books, etc. I had decided before then that I wasn't really interested in anything more than friends with him anymore. But since it didn't seem to be headed in that direction anyway, and I did still enjoy hanging out with him, I saw no reason to discontinue meeting up now and again.
When I got home, I got a troubling text message from him telling me I hadn't made enough effort to get to know him and it hurt his feelings. This is just about the opposite of my character, so I was pretty taken aback. I certainly didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I had trouble in replaying the conversation in my mind finding something I might have said that could have been hurtful. He eventually called me and we worked it out (turned out there was something on his mind that I didn't ask about?). It did weird me out a little bit, though. We were still pretty early on in the friendship and things were light and breezy--it felt a little strange for drama to arise so soon.
This weekend we met up again, for just some random fun wandering through a bookstore. He walked me to my train afterwards, and as the train was pulling up to the station, I went to say goodbye. I went in for a hug, as per usual, but I think (and didn't realize until halfway in) that he was going for a kiss, and midway through the awkwardness he ended up with a cheek. I then had an incredibly awkward 10 seconds waiting for the train to stop before I could make my escape.
I went home terribly confused. I had made up my mind weeks ago that I didn't want more than friendship, and I really didn't see him pushing things forward, either. Now it seems like we either need to have a difficult "let's just be friends" talk, or I could just go with it and see if feelings develop. On the one hand, I know a lot of people who take a long time before their feelings really develop. On the other hand, I do usually know if there's any potential there, and the last time I "gave things a chance" when I wasn't really interested, it just became painfully more and more difficult to break it off, and more and more uncomfortable for me as expectations for deeper intimacy arose.
I'm kind of leaning toward trusting my instincts. I suppose it's always possible that feelings will arise later, but I see no need to push things now when they're not there. Difficult conversation it is, then. :(
Trying to stay positive,
Skeptic
He told you in a text that you hurt his feelings? Ugh.
ReplyDeleteGo with your gut on this one! You're not dismissing him for unreasonable things, so you shouldn't feel bad.
ReplyDeleteAlso, being upset that you didn't ask about something on his MIND is rather girly behavior....
I think I'm second-guessing myself because I know that some people saw feelings develop over a much longer period of time. For example, this weekend I was speaking with a friend in his 70s who has been married for 50-ish years. I asked him about how he met his wife, and he described how they were introduced by someone else, and didn't get along for the longest time, but they continued to date ("just because," I guess). They ended up falling in love, and the rest is history.
DeleteSo I wonder if I just don't give it enough of a chance. But I guess the way I see it is, sure, feelings may develop. But why be in a relationship with someone before there are feelings? We can be friends, and IF the time comes when feelings develop, we can re-visit. It IS really amazing how different people's stories are, though.
But tt's not all or nothing, right?. You can be friends and see if feelings develop, as long as there's no pressure and you're still free to date others.
DeleteI know that friend!!! Dating was so much easier back in the day!
ReplyDelete